Addiction (2026-09-27)
The reason one feels fear is anxiety.
– If things went well, I was anxious because they went well; if they didn’t, I was anxious because they didn’t.
– Sometimes, I would even invent worries that didn’t exist, just to have something to fret over.
– And on some days, I would create worries for myself that wouldn’t have existed if I had just stayed still, only to feel proud after solving them myself.
For someone like me, who would unconsciously feel anxious when idle, a good way to overcome this was to
go beyond immersion and become addicted.
When you’re addicted to something, you don’t feel anxious.
The things I became addicted to were:
1) Friend Addiction
I would call my favorite friends to a table laden with food and drinks, and only feel satisfied after drinking so much I could barely stand. I wouldn’t rest until I had kept everyone I liked from going home.
For a while, I was addicted to alcohol and friends, drinking excessively.
2) Achievement Addiction
When I started something, my pace was incredible.
I would create new plans in a matter of days, and then abandon a business I’d started just as quickly.
During the moments I was addicted to something, I felt no anxiety at all. Later, I realized this drive for achievement was a dopamine addiction.
3) Sense of Accomplishment Addiction
I pretended to be all sorts of impressive things, but deep down, the traces of vanity were ingrained in my bones.
Sometimes, I would even try to prove my superiority to the world in a unique way, turning my own shame into a badge of honor.
However, after realizing that the presence of people, like friends, was like water in a bowl—something that could leave at any time—I gradually began to distance myself.
In other words, in the past, I was addicted to uncertain beings who could easily leave me at any moment, and I was like a footprint, following them one step at a time.
I also came to accept that achievement is like a wave; there’s a pattern where good times are followed by bad times.
After that, I began to seek a form and flow of waves that would last long and thin rather than being dramatic.
However, the sense of superiority remained, just in a different form.
If I couldn’t be number one nationwide, I would subtly change the game’s location and method to be number one even in an alleyway.
This was my innate desire to be the leader wherever I was.
My addiction shifted its focus from others to my inner self,
and I began to desire a calm, lasting presence rather than a brilliant blaze.
And I only felt satisfied when I could be the neighborhood boss, no matter where I was.
All of this was related to addiction.
